family picture catch-up

Elliot trying to get free.

Ray...oh so handsome (gosh I love my sons!)..

Elliot the stinker. "neigh, neigh" is what he says, "riding" his horse or carrying a play horse over to me and "galloping" it up my leg..

Indeed, "neigh, neigh"...:)

singing in the shower

It was August when Chuck moved back (wasn't it?), bringing with him a desk and chair, a lamp and boxes of things, storing everything else over at his dad's house. Setting his computer up on the desk, in the guest room and making that room (filled with other things) his own. So now chairs are turned seat to seat on each other and the path from the door to the bed is just that, a path. Soon, it will not be so crowded.

Nonetheless, Chuck has been coming and going, much like he did when living on his own and there are mornings when I hear him singing in the shower. He has always loved to sing, always sung off-key and so rarely sings, but in the shower, through the wall, sometimes I'll catch a snippet of song. It is something his brothers do not do (sing) although they both have nice voices that can carry a tune. I love hearing him sing.

It is fortuitous that Chuck returned, he had been looking for a place and so, in a sense, found one. We will, in essence, be roomates as I return periodically to check up on the place, work a random shift at one of the hospitals and, I am sure, clean...or not.

where we are now

Dylan stood at the counter eating his cereal this morning, waiting for the pop-tarts to finish in the toaster. His body is tall, fit and tanned. He has been working out, drinking protein drinks and lifting weights. Still thin, he is bulking up. Yesterday he took the pre-entrance exam for a branch of the military. Today he again will go and talk with a recruiter. He wants to do this. He wants to get away. His father and I have both suggested college first then the military. He would prefer the military first, then college. He prefers to be his own person, to follow a completely different path from his brothers.
He has chosen the Air Force. His dad was in the Air Force and was stationed in California during the Vietnam War and was in late enough that he didn't ever go overseas. Once the war ended he moved to San Francisco and met his first wife. They married, he went to college. They divorced. She remarried. He returned to Missouri to finish his Master's Degree at the University. He began working at the University and has been there ever since.
We met at the University. We both worked in the same department at the time, Soil Sciences, which was under the aegis of the Agronomy Department before it moved (not literally) to the School of Natural Resources, then Agriculture, then finally, Engineering. His lab and his portion of the department moved, equipment et al, to the school of Engineering. Ray, our second son, is following in his father's footsteps in this area of interest. He too is studying Engineering (his father's first degree pursuit, at Rolla--UMR, before the military, before California). Ray's area of interest is Environmental Engineering with an emphasis in Structural Engineering.
Dylan does not know what he wants to do. He has thought of a business degree (emphasis, finance). He has thought of Accounting (my mother's undergraduate). He has thought of teaching high school math and this morning, he has been invited by one of the CardioThoracic Surgeons at Boone to view a surgical procedure which is why he was awake, showered, dressed and finishing breakfast by six-thirty and out the door soon after. Add that to the list, he is thinking Pharmacology or Medicine. He does not know.

The weather, so hot last week, has cooled significantly.
There are birds that sing outside and the cicadas are quieter.
A young woman from the radio station has been using the cicada bodies in different dishes, to eat.
My lone tomato plant has not produced yet, but the pepper plant has been very pepper-productive.
Ray and I met this past week for breakfast and Chuck and I will breakfast together sometime this week and next week will be Dylan's week. He doesn't breakfast much with his mom. We see each other all the time anyway.
Life is good in this middle age and very satisfying.

twenty-one years ago today.

Twenty-one years ago today, Chuck was born.
Twenty-one years ago, on a mild weekday morning, with the wind blowing through an open window fluttering the curtains, in the old section of the University Hospital where the windows still opened. There in a small birthing room with a  hippie-nurse, the doctor (Susan Winkelmann) and his dad. He, my oldest child, came into the world. Squalling and purple and looking not unlike a big grape. "Isn't he beautiful?" The doctor asked, holding him up. Well, beautiful maybe wasn't a word I would have chosen, nonetheless she continued, "Do you want to cut the cord?" The answer from me being, no. While in my head the answer was, 'you have to be kidding me'. His dad, who looked like he was going to pass out, also declined cutting the cord, so the doctor did, wiping him briefly before laying him on my chest.

What is it about that strong mothering instinct, that mother-love. What is it that happens when a squalling, purplish mass is placed on one's chest and begins pinking up nicely and then, because the doctor and nurse are encouraging you, you begin feeding him and he, in an instant--though you knew him for months before his birth--becomes, yours. What was it that happened, where I, as a mother, felt that I would lay down my life for this child. When did it happen that his hurts became my hurts.  Where did the strength come from to care for him, to raise him and when the time came, to let him go?
Today I will see, not only him, but also, his son.
It is, already, a glorious day!

"If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where prayer has not already been." Robert Brault

Chuckadoodle

He is tall and angular with long, thin legs. A head of gorgeous brown hair, all large curls and thick. It is soft when I ruffle it.
He called today, "Do you have a lawn-mower I can borrow?".."Sure, absolutely!" I answered before adding, "What about your dad, he lives closer."..."Oh dad is really picky about his lawn-mower, won't let us use it unless he is standing right there.".."Ok, sure, come on over and pick it up"

The Missouri heat has descended on us and the cicadas are dense. Eighty-eight degrees today, humid and sunny. The forecast is for eighty-eight degrees (or thereabout) all week, with the possibility of rain.

He drove his grandfather's (now his) small truck over and parked it in the drive, easily loading the lawnmower into the truck bed, driving home (to his rental) before returning to unload and return the mower to its rightful place in the small shed.

Afterward he came in, sat down at the kitchen table and we briefly talked. "My birthday is in just about a week."..."I know honey, are you working?"..."No" he said, laughing, "no"...."Oh..darnit, I scheduled a meeting for that night at six, I thought you would be working (pause, I'm an idiot), early supper?"..."Sure" he replied smiling and adding, "Flat Branch?"  So it was decided, Flat Branch and a beer on the patio if the weather is nice. A beer for both of us. He'll be twenty-one.

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."  Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams.

the boys

"Would you like to drop over for a visit?" I asked Chuck on the phone last night. "Yeah, I'll come over after work." He sounded exhausted.

Elliot had been dropped off by his mom. Chuck said that she had called him to come pick him up from time to time, or to come over and help. Chuck said that she was exhausted and hormonal. Chuck said.

She came to the door last night, another thin young man carrying Elliot's things.  Elliot was asleep in his car carrier seat. She sat him down and told me that the pack of diapers was for me to keep. We talked briefly, hugged and she left.

Picking the baby out of his car seat, I carried him to the bedroom, laying him on the king sized bed and returned to the kitchen to brew the coffee. It had been a long night at work and a short day of sleep.  I finished the coffee and returned to the bedroom. He was just waking, was squirming and flailing his little fists in the air and revving up for a wail. With a deftness from years of practice I put down the coffee and scooped him up pre-cry, cradling him in the crook of my arm and talking softly to him. He stopped and looked up at me, only four weeks old and so much more alert.

Dylan was in his room across the hall so I softly knocked on his door and asked him to hold Elliot. "Okay" he said, leaning back in his chair, resigned. Still, he took him with tenderness and looked into the little man's eyes while I scooted down the hall to prepare a bottle, returning just in time to hear a short wail. Dylan handed him back quickly and I began the feed while we talked about his plans for the evening, what to have for dinner and general mother-son catching up after which he returned to his computer work while I returned to the kitchen to sit in a chair, feed the baby and watch the latest installment of Project Runway on my laptop. He ate twelve ounces. Twelve. Dang.

Then Chuck called. "I'm finished with work and will be over in about ten minutes." And he was. And he held his son and changed his diaper and we talked. He was exhausted, he looked exhausted. Dylan came into the living room and we all sat around visiting until Dylan said goodbye and went out for the evening. Chuck leaned back against the couch while I retrieved the laptop and we finished watching Project Runway together while Elliot slept against his father's chest.