Wednesday, May 12, 2010


It is morning at our house and the rain pelted the windows and walls last night and the low pressure system made it difficult to sleep, so I quietly wandered about the house and sat up and read until past midnight.

Sunday morning Scott gave the "word" at church. Galatians, again. Sitting, listening, yesyes, and yes. A head-nod. An "amen", amen. A few notes written as I sat there smiling. Then at the end, as he called the "singers" and musicians up, he told the story of an ornamental "weeping willow" tree in his family's front yard which they have tended and babied for years and how a few years ago it was nearly killed by the frost. And how the first year after the frost the tree looked dead, nearly leafless. Then, the second year after the frost it sat in their front yard, sad, with dead limbs and again, nearly leafless. Then on and on until a few years later (possibly the third?), the tree came back, fuller and more beautiful than ever. And he talked about how that is sometimes how lives are. People wander away from the faith, are "dead" in their faith, unproductive for years..then he gave an alter call to those who don't know Jesus and also, to those who wanted to return, to give their lives back to Him again. We were singing at that point.."to know you from the inside out Lord...everlasting your light will shine when all else fades"..And that thing in me, that internal knot untied and tears, large and hot, rolled down my face. I didn't go up for prayer. But instead, stood in my place, singing, crying, pathetic really. And after the service, with dry eyes, talked to people..still thinking.

It is Wednesday now. Tonight will be the first of a five night stretch. Sixty plus hours of work. The boys are home. They have not been raised in a Christian household. They were not dedicated to God when they were small. I took them to church before finishing nursing school, before the divorce. In retrospect...but of what good is retrospect except for lessons learned? The regrets are large, huge really, yet they won't change the past. Still, I sometimes sit in bed and think, wonder really, what good can come from this life? How can I, a single woman, divorced no less, with a litany of sins behind her, serve in the church? Of what earthly good am I? Still, I think of the tree and its return and how God, in his mercy and faithfulness, in His grace, how He restores. And I have hope, not only for myself, but for my children and their children.

Dylan is at school. We drove there in silence this morning, the Bott radio network playing dimly in the background, James Dobson talking about marital relationships and sex. Ray has been up to the kitchen, made himself breakfast, his first hours are AUT (free-time, no classes). The sun weakly shines through the clouds, illuminating the leaves of the trees. Three weeks of his senior year remain. He is concerned about this next year. "This is my future mom, I want to make the right choice."...

My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins. James 5: 19,20

No comments:

Post a Comment