Wednesday, February 3, 2010

they have lives I know nothing about

They have lives I know nothing about.
Because the catera is not running, as it should run, and because I am refusing to fix it right now (see: nada dinero). Because of these things I had the extreme pleasure of driving the boys to school this morning. "How are we going to get around mom?" It was Dylan, earlier, talking to me in the kitchen. Me, leaning against the counter, standing in a doorway, him, leaning against another counter. "Well, I guess the bus system is as good a way as any. Thats what I used when I was your age, we didn't have a car."..."Yeah mom, but your parents didn't earn as much as you do.."..Well, that is not exactly correct. My parents may not have earned as much, but that was the 1970's, counting for inflation they probably did earn as much, plus lived in a paid for house (with lots-o-acreage), plus liked going to Europe during the summers, which gave us kids every right to use their house for parties...But I laughed at this, oh my. And he continued his
Yelling in our house is rare, it doesn't happen and when it does there is this inalienable rancor which hangs in the air following, then a depression, and a guilt, usually mine as I am the precursor, the yeller..So there was no yelling this morning, there would be no reason for it. Just a discussion with me relenting. "Okay, I'll have the car looked at."...then Dylan asked, "What if it costs four hundred dollars to fix?"...oi.."Well, I guess that I could spend four hundred dollars on it.." sigh, Another four hundred dollars and I am thinking, why doesn't their dad put some money towards this?..."Dad says that he won't pay for it to be fixed." was Dylan who informed me of this, because I asked. Of course he won't, why would he...
Oh there are days like this where it would be nice to have someone else around to lean on, someone to share the burdens and business of this life with. But, I made a stupid choice in marriage. Not the worst, but then again...

The sun was shining this morning, slanting across the field. Cars were piling up, lines were forming early at the intersection near our house. The boys were talking, I was driving. Then in the silence, looking over at Ray, "Why don't you keep your hair short, you look so handsome." (he had his hair cut about a month ago). "Because I don't want to."..."What are you going to do next year?"..."I don't know."..And we turned onto south Providence, forming a line, pulling into the left lane at the next stop light. "Pull up some mom." It was Dylan, sitting behind me. "Thats X!"..and the boys were laughing, someone flipped someone else off, they laughed more. Kids in hats and gloves and coats. Kids in cars. And behind us, was an SUV and as I pulled into the right hand lane (there was room, I signalled!), "Hey, that kid behind me flipped me off." And it was matter of fact. "Oh thats Jason" was Ray looking over his shoulder, "No, thats not Jason.." it was Dylan and there was some more discussion as to who it was, "Well, there was plenty of room, and, I'm older.." As we pulled onto the outer road and headed toward the high school, "Where do you want to be dropped off."..Their classes are in two different buildings. "Right here mom, right here.." It was Ray, then he decided that farther up would be better and so I pulled up a short way and they both grabbed their backpacks and jumped out. "Bye mom!".."Bye mom."..and I said weakly, "have a good day." because the doors were closed and they were already running away, heading for class.

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