Friday, January 1, 2010

new year....

January first, two thousand ten...january first two thousand ten....januaryfirsttwothousandten...Last night the moon as it rose was large, light orange in hue, a giant on the horizon. As it climbed higher in the sky it lightened, whitish, growing smaller. And I sped through the night, late to work, occaisionally looking at the moon and the shadows it cast. Once in hospital a hasty report was received and the night ensued. People working had plans, just in case census was down, just in case they should be called off. No one was called off. Everyone worked, and then some.

And this morning. Jolly, jolly. Laughing during report. Sandy and I. And she, telling me the story I had asked her to tell me, about a patient from Tuesday morning. A woman in her fifties, recently diagnosed with lung cancer. A thoracotomy, a resection, chest tubes, a heimlich valve, cachexic, yet strong, and I had every hope for her, yet no hope for her and that small voice in me suggested that I pray for her before leaving work Tuesday, that I ask her if I could stand at her bedside, hold her hand and pray. I didn't listen. Instead, I told her that I would pray for her. Pathetic. We were not laughing while the story was told. We were serious. You do not let yourself be sad though, you cannot. The mind cannot go there, it will not survive if it does. But she was still alive. She was in the intensive care unit. She had been transferred tuesday. I had read through the flow sheet during the night. A drop in pressure, a drip, intubation, a bronchoscopy, a trach..and family. Happy New Year. happy new year.

Richa finished moving out today. Her full deposit was returned. The room smelled of cigarettes. The smell embedded in the carpets, the walls. And my crystal glasses? Well, perhaps I misplaced them. The mind does not go there, it cannot. They were glass. Things break all the time. And she wouldn't take anything, she wouldn't, that would make no sense. And last night, she stood at my bedroom door before I went to work, "No hard feelings?"..No, I have no hard feelings. C'est la vie, right? In truth, it is a relief.

And tonight. Moving, moving, cleaning areas of the house to make other areas messier. And looking, considering. How would prospective buyers see this place? And Janel helping me move things, then the sound of the vacuum cleaner downstairs, and Ray coming through the door. "Richa moved out today.."...."Do I get that room?"..his eyebrows went up. "That remains to be seen"..Because Janel is looking at an apartment across the way. But in my mind's eye I can see she and Mariah remaining here for a time and staying in the room downstairs, the one with a private bath and the boys hanging out in the family room downstairs and everyone getting along..but the house will be on the market and that will be a stress and a stretch for everyone involved. So much for being a good hostess, for openeing my house, for sharing..perhaps it was just an experiment, a "how christian are you" experiment, and the answer would come back, "not very"....

Still, it is a new year and there is a lightness. There is a, "this is a new beginning" feeling about everything. Now is the time to put away and put behind all of the failures, to look ahead, be positive and move on...

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