Tuesday, July 27, 2010

is today only tuesday?

There was a steady rain which beat on the roof yesterday evening and Dylan sat in his room with an ear-piece in, talking on the computer to others who were 'playing' the same game. I looked in over his shoulder periodically. The game is one that he and his brothers play with others on-line. Unable to sleep I put on my shoes around eleven p.m. and took a brisk walk around the neighborhood. The desire was to run but the legs/hips will not allow that these days. Home again, I read a few more chapters of my book before falling into a fitful sleep. Welcome to late July.

The summer has, for the most part, been rainy and alternately, hot. This morning, even with yesterdays' rains, is humid and warm. Dylan was awake at six and showering, dressing, eating breakfast before heading off to work. The exploder is back and he has been using it for transportation. Chuck bought himself another car, a convertible, which is not suitable for a baby....but that is a story best left for another day. Ray drives his dad's bright red roomy Yukon and spends most of his time at his dad's house, coming over on his days off on alternate weeks which means I see him approximately four days a month, which is okay. He works near where his dad lives, it is just easier for him to stay over there.

When children move up and out there is a strange shift that happens in the parental relationship. The parental role is changing as they grow into teenagers and become more independent and granted, I am a very lax mother when it comes to teen parenting. My role, it seems, has been to stand back, watch and instruct (when needed). Most of their instruction started young and was pretty constant (e.g. while driving, during meals, vacations, any opportunity available and also, just living, children are very astute observers, scarily so). With Chuck, who is completely out of the house, there are the brief 'sit-downs'. Where we go out for a meal or snack or shopping (for him, for clothes), and in the car, while driving, I will say something like, "If you continue on the road you are on, your future could be very grim." And he laughs and usually says, "okay momma, I'll do better." Which means nothing really because he already works hard and has been responsible in paying his bills, just some of his long-term health practices (smoking, drinking, etc.) concern me, deeply, and he knows, he knows..and I pray, I pray...

My father's sister Darlene died when I was twenty, twenty-one? A few years before her death she was sitting in my parents kitchen visiting, I was standing near her and she pulled me down to sit on her lap and she put her arms around me, a grown girl, and she said to me, "You're ruining your life by being fat." At that time I weighed a little less than I do now so I laughed, extricated myself, stood up and walked away. Looking back, I wish I had listened because I spent my very early twenties about forty pounds overweight and miserable. She was right. I was in a gaining spiral. It would take seven years, a trip to Europe with my younger siblings and the renunciation of dieting to lose that forty pounds, to feel better about myself, to start dating again, to get into an abusive marriage, have three children and get out. All because I had at one time been "fat" and due to said fat, thought that no one would ever love me. Oh, the domino effect is lousy sometimes. Do one thing here and bing-bing-bing-bing there is a cascade of other things which can happen, if you let them.

Today is physical therapy where they will pull and push and place electrodes on my back, perhaps, and attempt to realign my person.

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