Tuesday, November 3, 2009


November 3, 2009

Natalie is back, her shoes are in the entryway.

Randy and Richa have gone to their respective day places. The cat tries to crawl onto my lap, returns instead to sit behind me. I can feel him on my shoulders, purring in my ear. Never thought I'd really like cats.

Arguments, arguments last night. About a car no less. Chuck insisted that he would be fired if he did not have the car. Well, initially he told me that he did not have to work. I tried to explain to him that he should not assume that the car would be here at his whim, it is a shared car. He insisted, insisted, insisted. Continued insisting while I was driving Ray (in a different car) over to his dad's house, to pick up computer supplies, then to a friend's house. Ray: "Mom, it isn't safe driving while you're talking on the phone.." Ray, the voice of reason. And then: "you know, studies show that people are more aggressive under a full moon...if they already have issues with aggression and anger.." Yes, and more babies are born and crazy people are crazier and everything is larger, more fantastic, more dramatic! Or not. I prefer the not. I would prefer the kids to not fight. That the sun would shine and the cat and I would sit in a large patch of sunshine after another long night of sleep, not work. And that the week would stretch out before me in a leisurely fashion. ahh. It is fantasy.

So far it has been a beautiful fall. Some would negate this due to how damp and dreary it has been. But the trees are more brilliant because of the damp and the sun takes on an extra sheen when it does shine. However, it is easier to sleep in the deep, dark, damp..

So the car is gone this morning. Dylan never did return my call to tell me where he was last night. hmmm. Chuck is still asleep in his room. The house is quiet. Cars pass on a distant street, the hum of a motorcycle. Everyone is gone or asleep. Is this what it will be like once they are all out of the house? Will I be lonely and longing for these days? As much as I or my children dream, we never truly know what is around the corner. A patient of mine last night had cancer, just discovered, eaten through her, metastasized or should I say Meta-sized. She is a year younger than me. He husband doted on her. Had that look in his eyes, one step more to broken. Her children stood around her bed, snuffling. She was too weak to lift her head but improved as the night went on. Improved after ativan and some sleep with only her husband dozing at her bedside. When they were first in love, before marriage and children. Did they ever imagine? Could they? That their time together would be so brief? That the twenty or so years that some people fight and argue through would end so soon?

"However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many.." Ecclesiastes 11:1

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