Thursday, February 17, 2011

writings from a fevered brain....

I should be farther along than this but Leviticus is such a difficult book to get through. All of the this is this and that is that and splattering of blood on the sides of the alter and priests and people and undergarments. YAWN.

Yesterday I was feeling the funk and the thought was that, "Oh, I'm just getting depressed. Too much work and not enough sleep." And it was difficult dragging myself into work, being so tired and all. But drag I did and puked through the night (feeling better for a time after each episode before quickly getting 'sick' again..washing the mouth, brushing the teeth and gum will not eradicate the smell left in the nose.)

After work and following the long drive home
Sleep came easily but was interrupted with the waking and waking again. The looking at the clock. The thinking, the re-arrangement of  a pillow, the things stuck in the mind, the pain in the head.  Then late in the afternoon, finally getting out of bed and going to facebook and feeling awful and horrid (having deleted some of my favorite people--no getting them back now..) and everything else. And having a cup of weak tea, a banana and some sips of water....Awful-horridness is not always so bad. Awful-horridness indeed has its place in our lives, doesn't it? Awful-horridness can change things so radically sometimes, can re-do the chemical balance of the body, the brain. That, and the story of a horse.

There was a horse (I heard this on the radio) who was found and brought to a ranch and the poor thing had been shot twice and it's eye was hanging out and it had lost sooo much blood. The poor thing could barely stand but in that horse there was still this love, for people. Now why would a horse who had been treated so badly have any love for any people? But it did. And this horse was amazing, was brought back to life (and health) and taught alot of people alot of lessons about love, being loved and being better people. The end.

I have been arguing with God lately. Not arguing really (maybe) but just trying to figure some things out.
It hasn't been working. There have been prayers and petitions and why, why whys......No answers. Wait. Yes. There was an answer. He showed me how completely selfish I have been. (oh my). He has asked me to grow up. And I have told him that all I want is to just get married and settle down. I have absolutely no desire to be single and work for Him. Well, that is not entirely true....I would love to have a CALLING but want to share that with a mate...(my terms stupid).

"You and my daughter should have no say in who you end up with.." That was Paula. She was/is right.

back to the horse....
The tale of the horse was...allegorical.
A horse who was beaten and broken and bruised yet in his very horsish of horse senses continued to love. He was a horse who was essentially raised from the dead.
That is Jesus isn't it?
People say alot. So many words are bandied about (me included).
When the only thing really worth anything is the fact that Jesus loves us (ALL of us). He died FOR us. Indeed, He CHOOSES us. He, like the allegorical horse, will walk through the crowd (of plenty) and look at the person who  is internally broken (or who doesn't think that they are worth anything, or has a very sinful past or..whatever brings a person down to feeling unlovely, unlovable, unloved...) and he will LOVE them. Just as they are...

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

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